Inadequate

I have been feeling inadequately queer since returning to school this year. I don't know why. Is more of my social circle straight? I don't think so. Most of my friends haven't changed, although I have no classes in the SWG department, and so see fewer members of that community. But still, I haven't changed in any definable way, and neither has my social circle really. But there are things which feel markedly different.

The other day there was an article about short hair in the school newspaper. This interested me because it was discussed from the perspective of a hetero woman who was identifying short hair with a kind of intellectual, mature freedom, something she had rejected as a child as masculine and unattractive, but was learning to understand differently. I cut my hair this summer, but it is still markedly longer than a number of my friends, and is not in any way the stereotypical shop. It is a longer than chin length asymmetrical cut with bangs that I pair with braids and bows and clips. My clothing and style is girly and I love it. But I feel overlooked in this critical part of my identity.

There is definitely an aspect of discussion that is marked by this idea that your sexuality is not your only or most important identity, so why get so caught up in it? Because it's hard enough to claim and it sucks to be invisible. And right now I feel kind of invisible. Maybe I just am tired of being single. Maybe I'm having a new year flash of insecurity. But I don't feel queer enough, no matter what I do lately. There is no social context which seems to fit my need for that community. I'm just not sure what to make of it.