Ride

I'm sitting, preparing to face a decision I made while hypomanic. This happens to me sometimes when I'm depressed - I'll get anxious and hit a few weeks of sleeplessness and over-energized activity. My body is shaking. It was a good decision, but one I now feel out of control towards. I feel like it wasn't really me who invited my dance teacher over for tea. I'm excited but uncertain. Which me is which? Which has control? I often feel this way in the everyday, coming to life in dreams where I can feel more present in my body than in the hours and hours of waking.

Last night my dreams swirled and rose. The roads turned into rollercoasters and I worried about falling out, about losing my glasses. Why were there loops in the bridges and highways? No straight paths anywhere and I don't know where we were going. I guess that's what a lot of things are like. I remember the sensation of my dream self pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose as I went through a curve, the sensation of pressing down on a rollercoaster car, the bar in the front, as we made a sharp loop, the look of the expanse of road in front of me, appearing to undulate in its curves.

And we continued down it anyway, with all of the risk and daring. This is where I am. I placed myself on a dangerous road and now I'm going to pull it together, head up, and follow the path. It was still a road afterall, and not really a rollercoaster, which means that there will be turn offs and choices and forks. I'm not stuck. There are still plenty of choices.